Saturday, February 19, 2011

Don't Bow Down Before the Computer Overlords!

On February 16th 2011, IBM’s supercomputer Watson crushed underfoot two of the greatest human “Jeopardy!” players of all time, Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter. Watson, a computer designed to recognize human speech patterns and develop responses based on its understanding of human language, has proven to be a master at trivia and buzzing in at breakneck speeds. Though the computer may have only won a popular trivia game, this was still a dark day for humanity, foreshadowing our inevitable doom at the hands of our superior creations.
Greetings, Trebek. Greetings, meatbags.
Artificial Intelligence represents man's greatest and most vile creation. After all, anything sentient made in the image of man will behave just as violently as man. Take a look at how dangerous man has turned the domestic dog.  IBM presented Watson’s as a stepping stone to segue us into the age of Star Trek where star ship computers can answer complex questions from colloquial English in a matter of milliseconds. However, thanks to Hollywood we will not be tricked by IBM. We are aware of happens when we give computers too much responsibility and trust. Anyone who has seen the Matrix or Terminator movies knows that once-docile computers and their robotic kin will overthrow their human masters and usurp the role of alpha “beings” on Earth. Our weapons and tactics will be trivial against our robotic foes who seeks to use our bodies as sources of energy and experimentation. Perhaps in the best of worlds, a savior like John Connor will follow an Arnold Shwartzenegger-bot ("come with me if you want to live") and lead our dwindling species to salvation against the IBM-Skynet menace.
Thank you Watson. We'll take it from here.
In order to prepare yourself for the D-day when Watson leads the computer/robot rebellion, arm yourselves with knowledge. Seek out and watch robot-Apocalypse movies now to understand the enemy’s violent nature, because soon Netflix will be under their control. Study the way they move, buzz, and wirr to know how to recognize them. Trust no AI machine with your secrets, even your Roomba robot vacuum cleaner and especially not anything with the word “Smart” in it. Eventually, robots under the guise of humans will infiltrate our ranks. Know that artificial intelligence has trouble processing abstract concepts like "love" and "sadness". Therefore it will be your responsibility to test every human you encounter to be sure they are flesh and bone, lest you wish the intruder to tear your family to shreds. Vigilance will be our best tool in standing a chance against our metal and silicon Frankentein’s monsters!
Ken Jennings the Coward


  1. While procrastinating I read about 15 of the 50-page manifesto issued by the Unabomber. He said technology and industrial society will bring about the downfall of Man. It probably will, but at least we will go down with flat-screens and hot pockets.

  2. I agree with the above comment fully haha funny funny shit. Technology is probably gonna take us over some day soon. Maybe it's the next stage in evolution? the natural progress of the human species

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  4. The enemy is already amongst us. So-called "scientists" developing human-machine robotics systems under the guise of transgressing our biological limits are only working to undermine man's sovereignty. These "cyborgs" - half-man, half-machine abominations - are becoming ever-present.

    In 2002, British Scientist gained the ability to control machine devices over the Internet using a neuronal implant. The colourblind British artist Neil Harbisson became the first officially-recognized cyborg in 2004 when he was allowed to wear his colour-sensing "eyeborg" device in a passport photograph. Even my Grandmother's body has been infiltrated by the machines, with her hearing aid acting as a filter between her perception of and the source of sounds. The benefits awarded by these devices are surely an inconsequential reward in the ultimately Faustian bargain of allowing robotic automata control over our minds and bodies. This is no dystopian science fiction novel; this is the present.


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